Well, it looks like Politico has once again proven that it’s not content to simply analyze policy and performance in politics. No, that’s too simple. Instead, they’ve decided to fixate on J.D. Vance’s beard. Yes…his beard. Because clearly, when voters are deciding the future of the country, what really keeps them up at night is whether or not J.D. Vance’s facial hair strikes the right balance between “rugged everyman” and “aggressive Neanderthal.”
According to Joe Navarro, Politico’s body language expert, Vance’s beard is practically screaming at voters about his masculinity. “Surprise, surprise,” Navarro writes, beards supposedly convey strength, competence, and some deep-seated opposition to feminist ideals. Really? I’m not sure what’s more ridiculous here—the idea that we’re analyzing facial hair in 2024, or the fact that someone thinks a guy’s beard can singlehandedly represent an entire ideological stance.
And what about poor Tim Walz? Well, apparently, his facial feature breakdown is far more complimentary. Politico seems enchanted with Walz’s “big bulging eyes,” describing them as a sign of his passionate intensity. According to Navarro, Walz’s saucer-like eyes are the result of complex facial muscle contractions that convey emotional intensity—because heaven forbid a politician just talks passionately and makes eye contact. Nope, we have to take a deep dive into the orbicularis oculi muscles. Thanks for the anatomy lesson I didn’t ask for.
Oddly enough, his facial expressions sort of reminded me of someone else who spoke with a lot of emotion. This guy…
"passion"???!! Same vibe: pic.twitter.com/gw0JqE70FN
— Equality 7-2521 (@Equality7d2521) October 2, 2024
And here’s the kicker: This isn’t even the first time they’ve obsessed over Vance’s beard! Back in July, Politico ran another analysis on his facial hair, complete with comparisons to Abraham Lincoln. Ah, yes, because that’s a natural jump—any man with a beard must be trying to emulate Honest Abe. What’s next? Maybe Vance is secretly trying to start a new Civil War based on the angle of his whiskers?
Here’s another kicker…just a few years ago, Politico said that beards were a symbol of wisdom when they were talking about Justin Trudeau.
Just four years ago Politico said beards were a symbol of wisdom. The hypocrisy is stunning. pic.twitter.com/Dv1JOGmmpj
— Kristen Mag (@kristenmag) October 2, 2024
But let’s just cut the nonsense. Maybe, just maybe, J.D. Vance has a beard because he likes how it looks. Or, and hear me out here, maybe it’s because like millions of other men across America, he thinks it suits him. Radical, I know.
Leave it to Politico to turn something as normal as facial hair into a bizarre political analysis. Maybe next time they can analyze his shoes or tie choice—because clearly, that’s what voters are looking for in their leaders. Right?
Here is a real body language evaluation:
F Politico. I am hoping for a Charlie Hebdo style attack on them.